And it goes like this:
Enko often makes wise use of the saying: “The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.”
He’s always right about the instances he decides this phrase is important.
I apply that to my life during times when I feel particularly imperfect, or downright ridiculous. Take, for example, my latest bout of ridiculousness when I tried to be the Perfect Most Understandingest Super-Girlfriend during a period of high stress, high physical and mental distance, and high-stakes changes in our lives.
I’ll tell you what I’ve learned from this momentarily, but before that, here is what I was intending:
See, Enko is doing something big, I mean BIG for us right now. And it’s huge, and it’s challenging, and it’s going to be something we are going to get to celebrate for the rest of our lives.
In my heart, I truly believed I would be crafting a warm, magical love song of support, romance, and understanding for the love of my life. What happened in application was actually more like a screamo-death metal song….for the love of my life.
Friend, you can feel for me here, can’t you? I mean, you can see where this is going, right?
Have you ever wanted to just be “It All” for your partner–you know, show him that the love is good, and you can be That Person, because you believe in your heart that God gave you this love to give your partner and because quite frankly, that is just how much you thank your lucky stars every single day that you actually get to love this amazing person,… and then you really truly just discover how comically clumsy you are about it? All the best intentions were there. It’s just that when I tried to bring those intentions into reality, they kinda sorta exploded when they hit the atmosphere. And then they made trails alllllll over the sky, of just oh so many things. On fire.
“Oh how do I love thee my Dearest Darling? Behold! My love fills the sky with the Blazing Skidmarks of my heart’s deepest passions!”
Somehow, the whole situation is not greeting-card material.
You’ve been there, right? Of course you have. You’re probably there right now yourself in some way, otherwise you wouldn’t have read so far.
So what do you do?
I have learned that you’ve got to remember what you know for sure. When I’m too upset to think, I go and get help from people like The Resourceful Mom who has a talent for helping me get my head back on straight. Also, sometimes a girl just needs her mama, myself included.
I make lists! I will even title them “Stuff I Know For Sure!” Everything goes on this list. Not just the failures, but the successes too! I realized I had been beating myself up so much about this transition that it was hard for me to remember that there were super kick-ass things that are genuinely working for us during this time period too.
That’s not even mentioning how this harsher, real-world, real-life situation is also growing real-trust and real-truth within my favorite relationship, and it is totally changing my life. I mean, seriously. Life-changing. The things I am learning about trust include letting go of control, which is allowing me to actually learn new things about the world because I am trusting God instead of myself, to be in a position of relying on Enko in more and different ways, which is teaching me all kinds of new and exciting ways to appreciate him as a man and as a partner that I would never have been able to discover by myself, and I am beginning to understand what this would look like over the long haul, and how I can really visualize myself doing this better now that I understand it more, and it just goes on and on. It’s another post, or five.
See? Exciting stuff resulting from misadventures! What might you know for sure within your situation?
Chances are, you know for sure that you are obviously head-over-heels in love with this person. Go on, admit it. Half of this whole debacle stemmed from the fact that you have this love in your heart for basically the best person you’ve ever met, and somehow you’ve realized that it’s got to be a Perfect Love otherwise it’s simply not good enough! There’s that “P” word again, though.
WE ALL ARE IMPERFECT AT LOVING EACH OTHER
We are human beings, and thank God–it’d be awfully sad if the best you could hope for the person you love is that they love a robot. Don’t be a robot. Buy a roomba and go make some stories for your grandchildren. Better yet, buy a dog and don’t worry about crumbs on the carpets at all. Let yourself be a human being who makes mistakes–or even in situations like this, discovers ways of doing the Right Things that are not necessarily mistakes, so long as the desired result is flaming piles of doo-doo you can smile awkwardly and gesture to when your partner literally has only 5 seconds to be recharged or nurtured in some way by the element of you being in his life before his next round of work starts.
Next step: laugh. Laugh about it! Life is funny. Remember, this time it was your turn. There will be times when it is your partner making the doo-doo when he was really truly just wanting to do the Right Thing, just like you. It’s ok to laugh now because it is a joyful thing that God would love you so much, He would give you an opportunity to grow your mercy and empathy so you can be more loving the next time a situation like this comes up including being merciful and loving toward yourself. See? In all things, God is taking care of you. Both of you. Laugh, without fear or dread at the future.
WE ALL ARE IMPERFECT AT LOVING OURSELVES
Wanna know who HASN’T given me a hard time about this at all? Enko. I’ve been way harder on myself than he would ever be. If our perspectives were reversed, there’s no WAY I would be as hard on him as I’ve been on myself lately. Personally, I believe this stems from some type of wisdom he has which I don’t. I’m still trying to figure it out, which makes it hard to write about, but all I can say is that I’m impressed and examining this with wonder and admiration.
Honey, that’s Jesus. There’s no way I could ever love Enko as much as God loves him, because God IS the Perfect Love! Looking at it this way, why would I ever think that I could figure out all the ins-and-outs of life all by myself. I don’t have all the answers. I can’t give Enko love as perfect as Christ’s. And Enko can’t give me love as perfect as Christ’s. But I can always be inviting Christ into this relationship, and use the love we give each other to help us both be closer to God. I believe that is what God had in mind when He brought us together. There is so much joy in that!
In this way, I can recognize that it isn’t the right thing to ask for Jesus to take the wheel; the right thing to do is to ask for the turn-by-turn directions.
Isn’t that a wonderful prospect? To know that there’s so much life to discover, so much to learn about love–to keep on finding out what works and what winds up blowing up the lab?
You bet it is! And what fun. What a wonderful life. What a wonderful love.
P.S. This post describes exploration of healthy, wholesome, loving, faithful relationships. If you are not in a relationship that fits this criteria, remember that God loves you and does not want you to be abused or manipulated.